The last time I posted on this blog was almost eight months ago. It is really unbelievable to think about what all has happened over the course of those months....the kinds of things I was doing while over in Ireland, how I grew personally and gained some valuable professional experience, etc.
Since I did not have enough time to write an "official" goodbye blog post after my lists, I wanted to take some time and write a post reflecting on my experiences over the summer, what I learned, what I loved, what I miss now, what I wish I would have done differently, etc. I think it is important to take a step back from one's position every so often and reflect how an experience or a summer, such the one I spent in Ireland, affected me and is continuing to do so as I am living my "normal" life as a college student at Colorado State University.
My internship ended on August 7th and that was when my Mom flew out to Dublin so we could spend a week traveling around the country and just enjoying Ireland. We spent a couple days in Dublin, rented a car and drove to Cashel, then to Dingle, and finally Galway, before we flew back to the States from the Shannon airport. That whole week was so much fun because we got the chance to act like tourists and visit the typical "touristy" locations.
By the time we were about to leave the country, I was really sad but also really anxious and ready to get home. I remember the flight home was the most grueling flight I had ever been on...I was jet lagged and tired, nauseous because I hadn't eaten anything, and really anxious to get home and see my Dad.
I had mentioned a couple of times in some previous entries that I was so excited to go home so I could begin living my American life again. I specifically remember writing that it felt as if I was living two lives while over in Ireland; I thought I could just pick up and start living my American life exactly at the point where I had left it.
I realized a couple of weeks into my "American life" that that would not be the case.
My transition back into American life was much harder for me than the transition into Irish life and culture. I came back expecting to continue my life where I had left it. Although it felt like I had left a part of me in the States, my friends had not done the same thing. They had continued to live their lives as I was living my "Irish life," and had not waited for me.
In hindsight, I totally understand how this happened - my expectations were unrealistic. I really truly believed everything would be the same when I got back from Ireland. I did not anticipate such drastic changes to happen while I was gone, and resented them when I got back into the swing of things.
I was the same person with the same set of expectations amidst a completely changed world. My friends had grown, changed, and moved on without me...I felt like I was stuck in the middle of a world watching my friends and family's lives progress without any thought of me.
Because I am the kind of person who is so dependent upon my relationships, I define myself based on my relationships with other people. And because those relationships were not was I came back expecting or wanting, I had no idea who I was in midst of everything.
I did not know who I was.
I went through a complete identity crisis when I returned. I began living my "American life" without the faintest idea of who I was anymore.
Perhaps the hardest part of this re-adjustment to my "normal" life, was that I came back with the expectation and hope for normalcy. I wanted to return to my "normal" life, but little did I know that my "normal" life no longer existed; not in America and not in Ireland.
I think I survived this identity crisis because of school. It was the only thing that I was familiar with when I got back. I re-defined and "found" myself with a total dependency on school. I made closer and more intimate friendships with people who I had known for my entire college career and started focusing more and more of my effort into my school work. I made new friendships with people in the Communication department, and I really grew to love the material, the professors, and my place in the mix of things more than ever.
I am more independent now because of this identity crisis. I now really understand who I am.
And I have been planning a future for myself based on this newfound identity. I am continuing my education and going to graduate school for Communication at CSU in the Fall. I am so excited for this opportunity and I know I am meant to continue learning and writing for at least two more years.
I think I have grown as a person from my summer in Ireland....most of which was accomplished while I was back home in the States. Had I not gone to Ireland and experienced those things, I would not be the same person I am today, as I am typing this final blog entry.
I never expected this summer would have changed me so much...I just thought it would be great to have the experience of living and working in a different country.
I learned what it is like to work a "real" 9 to 5 job every day for three months. I learned what my capabilities to work a 9 to 5 job are. I learned how to live in a different country and experience a different culture. I learned how to negotiate my identity as a "foreigner." I learned how to appreciate the Irish culture, as well as my own culture. I learned so much about the history of Ireland and its culture.
I learned how to appreciate my "American life," and my privileges I have as an American in other countries, and also in my own country.
However, I do miss hard cider. I really miss Kopparbergs, Bulmers and Magners (which I still have not found in the US!). I miss the pub culture of Ireland and the relaxed, friendly environment of each pub. I miss the heightened awareness of Irish culture, that even the Irish had. American culture does not seem like "culture," although I know that is because I am so accustomed to it.
I am grateful for the opportunities I have had and continue to have today. Although I am currently struggling financially, I was able to afford a summer in Ireland. I am grateful I am a student and will remain one for two more years. I am grateful my abilities and talents have been recognized by people who are not myself, and also outside of my institution of higher education. That shows me I have reason to be confident in my abilities and continue working my hardest towards my goals.
Although I have been trying to negotiate living my transitioning life, I think that so far, I have done it well. Going through this transition now will make my transition into graduate school, my future academic endeavors, and my future transitions even easier because I have learned from this experience.
I am very anxious for my future, but am extremely grateful for all the opportunities that have been awarded me up to this point in my life.
Thank you all so much for reading my blog! I hope you have enjoyed this, and all of my previous posts.
Cheers!!
